


Deep Sea Fish

by Heblasoti



Category: Bjyx, Real Person Fiction, WangXiao, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV) RPF
Genre: BJYX | Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan | Sean is Real, M/M, Slow Build, Top Wang Yi Bo/Bottom Xiao Zhan | Sean, Wangxiao - Freeform, Yizhan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28081677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heblasoti/pseuds/Heblasoti
Summary: Xiao Zhan, a third-year psychiatry resident who has been living a very ordinary life, meets Wang Yibo, a well-known celebrity who is about to turn his life upside down.Originally written in Korean and accessible on: heblasoti.postype.com
Relationships: Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan | Sean
Kudos: 21





	1. Epipelagic Zone ~ The Shimmering Ripples

**Author's Note:**

> *Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction that merely borrows the names of real persons. All events, actions and opinions depicted in this story has no relation to and does not reflect those of the persons whose names are mentioned in here.  
> Generally rated for teen and above, explicit scenes will have separate warnings.

**Deep Sea Fish**

BJYX fanfiction

**Epipelagic Zone ~ The Shimmering Ripples**

**(1)**

“In conclusion, all psychoanalysts are antisocial narcissists. They all think they are brilliant and on top of everyone’s heads.”

Xiao Zhan, a third-year psychiatry resident, just gazed at his supervisor as he made the criticising comments while smiling ever so innocently. He was not sure if he should laugh with him or not, given that his supervisor himself was one of the few ‘traditional’ psychoanalysts who was still practising. It seemed that Xiao Zhan was the only one thinking carefully about how they should conduct themselves. The rest of the attendees at this seminar, Xiao Zhan’s colleagues, all joined his supervisor in laughter. Xiao Zhan got up quietly, nodded at his supervisor, and left the room before the others.

At 4:15pm every Tuesdays, ‘he’ sat down on the leftmost seat in the second row of the waiting room to wait for Xiao Zhan. Before ‘he’ arrives, at 4pm every Tuesdays, Xiao Zhan would tidy up his consulting room and wait for him. Xiao Zhan’s psychotherapy patient, whom he must see for at least 40 sessions if he were to progress to obtaining his fellowship, never once missed or arrived late for his therapy session for the past 20 weeks.

As usual, Xiao Zhan went about tidying and re-arranging the consulting room. Documents and notes on the desk were either turned upside down so that the contents would not be seen, or put into the drawers. If any items had been moved from their original positions, they were put back to where they were when Xiao Zhan first started the therapy sessions. He did this to adhere to the principle of maintaining consistency for the patient as much as possible, although it meant that the framed painting on the wall had to remain slightly tilted to the right for the past four months or so. The tilted frame stood out like a sore thumb, but Xiao Zhan, thanks to his integrity - or obsessiveness - could manage to successfully inhibit his urge to correct the position of the picture frame.

As the hands of the clock moved to 4:10pm, receptionist rang Xiao Zhan’s telephone.

“Hi, this is Xiao Zhan.”

\- Dr Xiao, Mr Wang has arrived.

“Sure, thank you.”

Wang Yibo, a 22 year-old male. He works in the entertainment industry as well as a motorbike racer. He debuted in his late teenage years as an idol singer, and has worked in a wide range of different roles including as a model, an actor and as an MC. He was currently taking a break from his busy career. He is an only son, and reports a good relationship with his parents.

In truth, when Xiao Zhan first picked up Wang Yibo’s file, he deliberated for a long time on whether or not he should accept this referral. Although Xiao Zhan would complete his fellowship in 2 years’ time and will then become a fully fledged psychiatrist, he couldn’t help but feel a little afraid that Wang Yibo’s case may be too high-profile for someone like him, a mere resident, to accept. Xiao Zhan did not know much about him as he rarely watched TV, but from what other people say he was able to gather that Wang Yibo had even played leading roles in popular TV series. Although the public’s curiosity and demand for him had lessened in the past year while he took the break, even then, if Xiao Zhan were to randomly ask people on the street if they knew Wang Yibo, the vast majority of them would instantly say yes. With such a celebrity status, Xiao Zhan did not know till this day why or how he came to be in a resident’s clinic.

“Please come through.”

At exactly fifteen minutes past four, Xiao Zhan walked out into the waiting room, met Wang Yibo’s gaze and invited him in. There were no greetings or small talk like ‘hello’, ‘how are you’ or ‘you’re looking great today’. The therapy begins from the moment the patient sits down in the waiting room to wait for the therapist, and everything that happens from the moment there is a contact between the patient and the therapist is the process of therapy and analysis. Xiao Zhan led Wang Yibo into the room, sat down in his chair with a neutral smile, then waited for Wang Yibo to start talking.

Usually, Wang Yibo would remain silent for 10 to 20 seconds. He would then part his lips and slowly recite what he has done, experienced, thought and felt for the past one week in a deep thoughtful voice. He was never that much of a talker, but he reflected seriously, which surfaced in his insight. Xiao Zhan enjoyed studying him while he was deep in his thought, particularly the frown that forms between his brows.

“….”

It was just that today’s silence was much longer than the usual. Xiao Zhan observed that the lines that define the shape of Wang Yibo’s eyes were more sharpened and hardened than his usual, and pondered what he should do. As a therapist, Xiao Zhan must find the clues that would lead to what is hidden in the patient’s unconsciousness, but asking direct questions or giving instructions were not recommended in psychodynamic psychotherapy. It was however awkward to maintain the silence indefinitely, so Xiao Zhan decided that he will share his observation of how Wang Yibo looked in the moment. Wang Yibo, however, was faster.

“Actually, I thought that I might not come to the session today. I started wondering about what I have actually been doing coming here every Tuesdays.”

Is that so? Xiao Zhan responded with his usual, peaceful yet somewhat distant smile. He hoped that the smile would hide his surprise that was slowly forming into anxiety. His supervisor did warn him a while ago that many patients will generally seek to end the therapy at around session 20 or so, which was not a thrilling news for Xiao Zhan who had to deliver at least 40 sessions.

Xiao Zhan kept his gaze on Wang Yibo as he hid behind his faint smile. His carefully groomed brows added a sense of cool sharpness to his already clean and serious face, which reminded Xiao Zhan of the images of the everlasting icecap on the high mountains. Sharp, clean, and cold. Even though he did not have any official work, he always looked perfect when he came in for the sessions, even to the very minute details, like the subtle shade of peach that was faintly staining the soft skin above his long eyelashes. Does he do his own make-up to maintain his image even without formal schedule? Xiao Zhan wondered. It seemed as though the life of a celebrity behind the screens was not so easy. If this is the case, then perhaps it makes sense that he chose to see a doctor, or a therapist who was essentially a nobody. Even if it was only for 50 minutes per week, the opportunity to talk openly about himself as an anonymous person in an anonymous space with an anonymous listener may be a necessity for someone like Wang Yibo who essentially had to share his life, both official and personal, by the virtue of his profession. Xiao Zhan swallowed his sigh as Wang Yibo’s facial expression hardened and darkened a little more. It was time for Xiao Zhan to say something.

“It looks like that you are expecting me to provide you with some sort of a solution that will solve all of your dilemmas right now.”

Xiao Zhan simply described what he could deduce from looking at him. Observation was a technique that was useful in exploring what is being repressed by the immature or neurotic defence mechanism. While this was rarely useful in facilitating any form of catharsis, he concluded that this would be an appropriate intervention for Wang Yibo, who currently seemed to be experiencing a negative transference. Wang Yibo frowned and glared at Xiao Zhan. His gaze was quite harsh. Xiao Zhan had to try his best to hide his nervousness.

“Isn’t that your job?”

A chill ran down the spine, when Xiao Zhan heard Wang Yibo challenge him. His voice sunk lower than his usual, and kindled a sensation of heat deep inside the abdomen, as though something was caught in a torsion. Xiao Zhan felt goosebumps rise from the end of the coccyx all the way up to the crown of his head. I am definitely going to get reflux pain tonight, Xiao Zhan complained in his mind. The way Wang Yibo looked at him has always been direct and piercing like a spear, but his eyes were particularly intense today. Xiao Zhan worried if today will be the day in history he gets assaulted by his patient in his consulting room.

“Do you really think so?”

‘All psychoanalysts have such a terrible habit. They answer questions with another question. It doesn’t matter if it is the patient or other people asking them. You should all try too. If you say “really?” to questions that your patient ask you, almost everyone will swear at you in their minds. If you are successful, they will even say it out aloud!’

Xiao Zhan recalled his supervisor’s advice and followed it diligently. Unsurprisingly, he could see the colour of irritation deepen on Wang Yibo’s face as the muscles in his jaw tightened and he asked again. Judging from the colour drain white from the knuckles on his hands, he seemed to be trying extraordinarily hard to contain the emotions rising inside of him. What Xiao Zhan could not quite understand was the reason Wang Yibo felt such rage towards him.

“If that isn’t your job, then what am I doing here?”

\- continued


	2. Epipelagic Zone ~ The Shimmering Ripples

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xiao Zhan, a third-year psychiatry resident who has been living a very ordinary life, meets Wang Yibo, a well-known celebrity who is about to turn his life upside down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction that merely borrows the names of real persons. All events, actions and opinions depicted in this story has no relation to and does not reflect those of the persons whose names are mentioned here.   
> Generally rated for teen and above, explicit scenes will have separate warnings.

**Deep Sea Fish**

BJYX WangXiao Fanfiction

**Epipelagic Zone ~ The Shimmering Ripples**

**(2)**

‘It was the first time then, that I questioned my decision to leave home to work in this industry.’

It might have been in session 7 when Wang Yibo, for the first time, departed from his usual demeanour of calm reflectiveness and allowed his unprocessed raw emotion to show. It was about an incident that happened when he was not yet an adult. He was on the stage, celebrating his birthday party in the presence of other members of his group and the fans. Apparently a person he assumed to be one of the fans ran past the guards and onto the stage, to throw red paint all over him. Wang Yibo never lost his enthusiasm despite the long years of practising day and night as a trainee, even when there was no guarantee of making it onto the stage. He persevered with glad heart, to remain on the path he chose for himself, all for the hope of making other people happy. On this day, he faced the pure malice of a stranger for the very first time.

‘I thought that I would just leave the industry if people did not need me or want me there anymore. In the end, I stayed, thanks to the people who supported and gave me courage.’

The reason that this particular day stood out for Xiao Zhan out of so many other days was because he was moved by Wang Yibo’s smile. His smile was bitter, from the painful emotions that he had kept inside of him for so long, yet the dignity and determination also shone through.

Technically, Wang Yibo was still a young adult, still in his early twenties, his frontal lobe probably only just matured, and six years younger than Xiao Zhan himself. Despite that, the weight of his life over his shoulders was much heavier than what Xiao Zhan had assumed, and the journey he walked with that burden had been much longer and harder. Xiao Zhan sometimes felt unsure as to who was really growing from these sessions. Wang Yibo was his patient, whom he must guide and support him to break through the maze of his unconscious mind, but at the same time, he seemed more stronger and bigger than Xiao Zhan was.

‘I wonder where the strength that helped you to stay and overcome all doubt came from.’

Perhaps it was the love of his fans and the support from his colleagues, or it might be the desire to make his family happy, or even just his own determination. These were some of the things Xiao Zhan expected Wang Yibo to say. Actually, he also thought that what he said wasn’t particularly a useful thing to say. It was just something he forced out of his mouth to stop Wang Yibo’s steady gaze from overwhelming him too much.

‘Well, I could give you the typical answers like my fans, friends and family. It still wouldn’t be wrong if I say that they gave me the strength, but they weren’t the only things that kept me going.’

Wang Yibo paused, after answering Xiao Zhan’s questions as if he had read his mind. He seemed to be thinking of something, from the way his eyes fogged with what looked like nostalgia or longing, then suddenly broke into a quiet laughter.

‘It is a little bit of a silly story, but where I was living as a trainee was an area many poor university students gravitated towards. It’s near the J street in the B city. Do you know that place by any chance?’

It was a remarkable coincidence. Xiao Zhan did not just know the area, but used to live there as a university student himself.

‘What a coincidence! I used to live there too.’

The pleasant surprise moved the lips before Xiao Zhan had the time to think. After blurting out a personal comment, Xiao Zhan realised that he had made a mistake and bit the tip of his tongue. It was a novice’s mistake to engage in self-disclosure when there was no therapeutic benefit of doing so. Xiao Zhan regretted his carelessness, as he had memorised and memorised again and again that he would not cross the therapeutic boundary. Fortunately, Wang Yibo did not seem to mind and smiled faintly, just like the morning mist fading under the sun.

‘On the way from the nearby station to the studio, there was this building. I didn’t know if it was an art studio, or a residential flat, or some sort of a study room, but this space was always lit with light irrespective of the time. I could be walking to the studio in the very early hours of the morning, or coming back from the studio to my dorm very late at night. Someone would be inside, either studying or painting, every day. You might think it’s strange, but seeing that person on my way to and from the studio gave me comfort that I needed.’

As Wang Yibo spoke, the lines of his jaw softened, and a tender expression draped over his face. Xiao Zhan felt very strange looking at him. It is silly, isn’t it? He could not find the words to respond to Wang Yibo’s question. The way his eyelashes cast shadows onto his cheeks erased Xiao Zhan’s mind white.

It was partly because the person Wang Yibo described evoked the memories of Xiao Zhan’s own life when he was in the university. He had originally wanted to study fine art. The vastness of the canvas and the scent of the paint used to make him dream of the infinite possibilities and the hidden visions therein, but Xiao Zhan chose to study medicine instead. His parents had high hopes for him, and their finances weren’t enough to support him to study something that would not lead to a financially stable future. In spite of everything, Xiao Zhan continued to paint whenever he could find the time to do so. He woke up early to paint before leaving for his lectures, and when he returned home, after revising what he had learned during the day, he would paint again until he was too tired to stay awake. The person in Wang Yibo’s memories certainly gave him the courage and comfort without being aware of it. Xiao Zhan wondered if he could ever do something like that. Could he, perhaps, have been able to give someone hope and courage through the artworks, and shine some light upon another’s way? Xiao Zhan however was a realistic person. He knew that this wish and fantasy was merely a desire arising out of his regrets. It was the ‘what if’ that always haunted him from the distance, the one that he had turned down time and time again. But still, even then, what Wang Yibo said made his heart and soul fluttered.

‘… Oh, it looks like the time is up already. Shall we continue next week?’

Fortunately for Xiao Zhan, who could not work out how to respond to Wang Yibo, the clock indicated that it was already the end of the session. As per usual, Xiao Zhan said goodbye with a smile. Wang Yibo calmly nodded then disappeared into his private time space that Xiao Zhan would never know.

—

Xiao Zhan was not sure why he suddenly recalled this memory. After this memory faded away, the space that was his familiar consulting room had transformed into a vast dessert. Golden sand stretched further than what his eyes could reach. Scorching sunlight licked the bare skin and left the prickly, burning sensation, and the dry air was suffocating. It felt as though he had been searching for water for a very, very long time. Xiao Zhan conjured up all of his remaining energy to climb up to the very summit of the sand dune he was walking on. On the summit, he found the oasis laid bare just under his eyes. He ran down the dune, still doubting that it may just be a mirage, towards the crystalline, blue lake that was glistening under the sunlight. Just a few more steps, and then he would be able to jump into the water, scoop up the clear water with his hands to drink to his heart’s content. But Xiao Zhan could not take the final few steps. His feet were stuck. It was as if something had tied his feet down to the ground. It did not matter how hard he reached for the water. The burning longing inside of his heart danced and raged, stirring his thirst even further.

“Please tell me, Dr Xiao. What do you think I am doing, right here with you?”

The daydream that had captured Xiao Zhan dissolved away just as suddenly as it appeared when Wang Yibo broke the silence. His voice was tense. Xiao Zhan sensed the trace of the boiling thirst he felt inside the daydream on Wang Yibo’s severe gaze. Yes, he was angry at him, but why, what is the reason? Xiao Zhan wondered, then mulled over the reverie he had just experienced.

Doctors were humans too, so when one is tired, it was possible to lose one’s concentration while listening to the patient. In the most extreme, worst case scenario, one might zone out and fall into a micro-sleep. Having said that, during a one-on-one therapy, it was unusual to fall into a fantasy or dream like this. To be exact, this was the first time Xiao Zhan had experienced anything like this. He wondered if he had been sleep deprived recently, and realised that what he has witnessed may be what Wilfred Bion called the ‘rêverie’. According to his supervisor, the vivid images that suddenly come to mind during sessions were the objects that the patient’s unconsciousness had projected into the therapist’s unconsciousness, rather than the therapist’s own imagination. Bion called this reverie.

“It seems as though you are angry at me because you think I am deliberately withholding the answer or solution to what you have been longing for for a long time. I think you are particularly angry because you think I am acting like the person who intentionally hurt you by pouring the red paint over you at your birthday party, when you were just trying to celebrate the fruit of your hard work with your fans. What do you think?”

Wang Yibo opened his mouth in protest, but paused. He could not say anything. It seemed as though he was surprised and confused. The heat in his eyes cooled down and was replaced by the look of confusion. Xiao Zhan watched as Wang Yibo’s affect changed rapidly, and carefully asked him the questions.

“Do you have any thoughts about what aspect of me made you think that I was deliberately hiding something from you?”

“I’m… not sure.”

Wang Yibo turned his head slightly to avoid Xiao Zhan’s gaze. He seemed uncomfortable, or perhaps he was trying to suppress something. Despite the silence he wielded, the Adam’s apple on his throat trembled nervously.

“What is it that you think I know?”

It was not a question to which Xiao Zhan expected an answer from Wang Yibo. If this question serves as a trigger to an opportunity where Wang Yibo can explore the blindspots in his mind, then that would be sufficient, or so Xiao Zhan thought. So he was surprised when Wang Yibo suddenly looked up from his prolonged silence to meet his gaze.

“It would be my feelings… I suppose.”


End file.
